A Sweet Sadness!

O bring me again to the place of my pain
To the sorrow that flows in the depths of my heart
Just let me remain and relive once again
The peace I once knew before life fell apart...

One of my English students whom I tutor is currently doing an assignment on prayer. Since she is attending a Catholic school she is required to research the Catholic understanding of prayer thoroughly and then compare it with one other non-Christian prayer tradition. So I (being the wonderful tutor that I am) promised to help her out by getting out some of my Catholic prayer books and other resources which may be of assistance to her. So today I found myself rummaging through my 'religious box'. It is a box which contains all of my Rosary booklets, prayer cards, prayer books, saint pictures and anything else pertaining to my previous religious expression.

As I worked my way through the box of religious items I felt a strange sense of sorrow, of loss...a deep, deep sadness. This sadness seemed to pervade everything. It felt as if I was standing at the bottom of a waterfall with the water cascading down on top of me, through me, saturating my entire being. Sadness... There is a beautiful line which still remains beautiful even when you realise it came from a Backstreet Boys song! :-) It says Sadness is beautiful, Loneliness is tragical. Those words hold a profound truth. There is nothing tragic about sadness. It is such a necessary emotion. It allows us to remember. It allows us to walk through the halls of memory and to take from those moments of our past that which we wish to keep and to let go of those which we would rather not hold on to.

Sadness is beautiful...I acknowledged this today as I stood there in my bedroom even though it felt as if a fist had just punched me in the gut, winding me to the point of breathlessness. But as I stood there gasping for air, I realised what the sadness was for. It was for a time when life felt simpler, smoother, safer.



O Ignorance sweet, let us once again meet
So that life in its harshness can fade for a while.
O coveted  bliss, seal the deal with a kiss
Let your charms and your wiles deceive and beguile.



I know that people may wonder how I can possibly turn my back upon my faith based upon the intensity of my past religious experience. I truly believed that I felt God's presence with me. I truly believed that He helped me through great times of darkness in my life. I felt him speak to me in quiet moments of reflection within my own heart and the sound of his voice brought warmth and great peace to my innermost being. I have often heard people say when speaking of their religious faith that it must be real because they 'feel so much peace.' Because their heart responds to the religious words, that response is taken as evidence of the truth of the religion. But does that logic really hold up? Does the fact that I once found peace in my Catholic faith mean that what that faith taught me was true or even real? Does the fact that I still somehow yearn for that peace like a small child yearns for its mother mean that I made a mistake in walking away? For yes, as I suffered through sadness today, part of me wished I could go back to what I had once known. But the paths of memory must be treaded with caution. How often do we, in a moment of emotion, remember only the happiness of a memory yet never the pain? How often do we forget the myriad of problems that caused us to leave a past lover and fixate only on the good times that we experienced with them? This kind of flippant approach to memory leads only to a repetition of a past mistake. We reunite with the lover only to remember once more all the reasons why the relationship could never be.

For me, Jesus is like a past lover. I have shared almost the entirety of my life with him. Though he is not real, he was real for me and, in some ways, still is. He was real in the palace of my mind, the throne room of my heart. I believed that he was walking with me and that belief was strong enough to generate peace and security. And this brings me to my earlier question...does peace itself stand as proof for a belief? In order to answer this question let me ask another. Does fear stand as proof that the object of our fear is real? Does the fact that a child is convinced there are monsters under their bed prove that they are really there? I mean, let's face it! Fear can feel incredibly real. It can take over your entire being, dictating your thought response and even your physical response to a situation. Yet we all know that fear does not equal reality. Of course there is a healthy fear but, like all things, the emotion of fear needs to be coupled with a good dose of reality and common sense. So if the presence of fear does not prove the existence of that on which the fear is founded, does it also follow that the presence of peace does not prove the existence of that on which the peace is founded? I believe that the answer is yes.




How I wish this could be, but my eyes they now see
The spell has been shattered that once held me fast.
Though I desperately long, I can never belong
The footsteps of knowledge are thundering past.


Yes I felt peace believing that Jesus loved me so much that he gave his life for me. I felt peace believing that God had a plan for my life that was beautiful, exciting and wonderful. I felt peace believing that I was destined for an Eternity of pure happiness with God in Heaven. But then, wouldn't this kind of belief bring peace to anyone who truly believed it? If you really felt that there was a deity looking out for you wouldn't that make you feel secure? And if you really felt that there was a predestined meaning to your life, wouldn't that help you cope with the ups and downs that life constantly throws at you? That peace is reminiscent of what a small child feels when she rests in her mother's arms. I have a beautiful memory from my childhood. I was only about three years old and was at church with my parents. My Mum was playing the piano for the service that day and so was sitting up the front of the church whilst I sat further back with my Dad and sister. I remember being very distressed that I was not with my Mum. I can still feel the intense yearning I had inside of me just to be with her. And for once, my Dad actually let me go up the front and sit with her. And I just remember the world turning right way up again. My sense of security and safety was reinstated. All was well! And don't we all wish we could feel that sense of safety again? Isn't it what we are all searching for in one way or another? Yet unfortunately we do not stay children and at some point we realise that our parents can not protect us from suffering and pain. Their arms are unable to keep the sorrows of life at bay for more than a short while.

And this is what happened between Jesus and I. I grew up. I realised that he was not who I thought he was. But though not real, he had still been a powerful image in my mind that had helped to motivate and inspire me and that image had brought peace. Though I do sometimes miss that feeling of peace, I know that I can never go back. Ignorance may be bliss but ignorance is still, well, ignorance! And that is a place that I never want to be found in! And life is not all tears and torment! Life is beautiful. Life is exciting. Life is exquisite. And in the times where tears and torment prevail, I know now that I have the strength and courage within me to persevere and to find meaning where none may at first present itself. In this new journey that I am travelling, I am still learning to find peace from a different source. It is no longer stemming from my belief in another but rather my belief in myself. And that, my friends, is a peace truly worth having!

Thank you once more for walking this journey with me!

Peace and Happiness
Amber May Bremner